im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
