How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
