We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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