Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
pop tarts are not kleenex
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
