If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
