The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
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