i wish there were pregnant emoticons
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
