I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize
