I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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