This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
