mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
