I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
She has the best kind of daddy issues
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
