I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
