i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
