You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
The beer is more important than you right now.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
