Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
