Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i will never coherently bang her
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
