It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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