I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I came so hard my ears popped.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
