someone get that fucking seahorse.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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