dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
