my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
