I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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