Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
