I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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