I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
