you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
