Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
