I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Pants are for mortals
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
