ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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