im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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