my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
