Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
