when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
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