i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
