last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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