so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
