woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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