Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
he thought i was a dude.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
