Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
