"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
