We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
