Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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