at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I would ride that face into the sunset
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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