i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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