I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
