Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
