So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
