'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
