Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
