I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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