Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
