just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
She even gives head with a lisp.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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