made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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