Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
