please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
