found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
