so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
