So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
