I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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