After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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